Uncertain times feels like an understatement. Economic collapse? Check. Political dissidents getting disappeared off the street? Check. Neil Young is dragging his rusty ass out of whatever leather shoe he lives in with Daryl Hannah to give a sub par performance at a Political Rally? Ah yes, the pieces are all in place. It is time. Bernie can finally win this one.
The rally was a Bernie Sanders / AOC “Fuck the Oligarchy” tour and I think it’s interesting that the two male friends I had go to the rally referred to it as “The Bernie Rally.” TBF, No one would ever want to say they are going to see the Fuck the Oligarchy Rally unless they are Tom Morello. Or Tom Tomorrow. Look, the point is, I am 40. [Garret clears his throat loudly in the other room]. Ok! FINE! I’m 43. Which means: I have and was already politically aware, extremely online, and kickin’ the last time Bernie Sanders almost won the presidency/ ruined everything for us in 2015.* And do you remember the primaries? Of 2019? Why does that seem longer ago than actual 2016? I remember Bernie ran AGAIN and we had snake-gate with Elizabeth Warren? God, that still chaps my ass. I am still so mad about the snake emojis that I genuinely do not want you to look it up if you have no idea what I am talking about. There is too much fuckery about for you to find an old thing to get mad about. Spare your brain space for learning cool animal facts and perhaps a new trade. What is the point of this rant. Well, I want to get to the discussion of whether we on the left need to be more progressive or more centrist. That seems to be the big debate on the many, many political podcasts I ruin my days with. And it does tie in! I am firmly, for the record, in the camp that says the democrats need to be way, way more progressive both economically and culturally. This is true now, it was true in 2016, which is not to say “Bernie would have won!” or anything. Frankly I have spent eight years hating when people say that. But I think for the future of like, the world (?), those of us who think child care and clean water are good things and making rich people more rich is bad, need to come together. So, my olive branch is this: Bernie might have won. I don’t know. I do know that Bernie Sanders is a wonderful communicator who has always brought hard truths about our system to the forefront. He makes people excited. He has those mittens. And I think it’s just nice to have someone who is known for being furious express the anger we all have with some goddamn gravitas, Neil Young excepted.
The debate about whether or not the dems should have had used Liz Cheney as a campaign surrogate is kinda dumb to me. I do not think anything Kamala Harris said or did made them lose votes. There are two reasons we lost the 2024 elections and if someone does not give my ass a book deal from this thesis alone, that’s their loss (Fuck you, amorphous publisher I invented in my head who has never heard of me). Reason one: People who might have voted for a democrat but stayed home just didn’t think Trump would win again. Same as 2016. Reason two: Democrats didn’t defend transgender people and immigrants. Part two of my thesis is a fire take, and I wish it were the temperature of stale bath water. Side note: You know when you get into the bath and your foot goes in and it’s feels like it’s scalding your very bones and then you get in the bath and it’s just sorta warm? What the fuck? Do I need to see a doctor? I wish that more people were talking about what I think is pretty self evident: When the GOP made that ad saying “Kamala Harris is for they/them” and no one from our side said a goddamn thing about how disgusting and inhumane the attack on transgender people, who make up less than one percent of the population, was and is, we seemed like a bunch of losers. We were a bunch of losers. The right is out here telling people that women belong in the kitchen and we really said “We’re not going back!” Excuse me? Why are we even entertaining the idea of going back on our bumper stickers? Why in 2024 were we having a national dialogue about whether we should go back to a shittier time? The moment Tim Waltz joined the ticket, the message was simply that the Republicans were “Sick freaks who everyone hates.” Weird losers who wanted to check people’s genitals and not get vaccinated for measles. If we had allowed brat summer to respond to the they/them ad, it might have looked like this: “Kamala is for they/ them, and you, because we’re not bigoted losers who are afraid of little boys playing with dolls. Go back to your cave and think about your life, and let the adults take care of the economy.”
But that’s not what happened. We took the idea of meeting people where they are a little too far. Guys, don’t meet Nazis where they are. Now everything is fucked, and we have people sitting around talking about how maybe those DEI training sessions at work were too annoying and made everyone flock to Joe Rogan. No, DEI training is annoying because it’s part of work, which is annoying, but we are adults and we can do annoying things sometimes. Tech CEOs were pissed that they had to create a workplace that wasn’t toxic to anyone not named Tyler or Shaun and we just allowed them to have their soapbox because they paid for it. Maybe we should have pointed out that racism and transphobia and misogyny are for people who are weak and shitty, and anyone who can’t deal with the idea that they have privilege should just… get over it. The question of whether the left needs its own Joe Rogan is particularly infuriating. We need someone who appeals to men’s worst impulses? Yes, let’s get Gavin Newsom on the mic so he can bring in all the emotionally stunted lonelyboys and do what with them, exactly? Trick them into critical thinking? Yeah, no. How many times do black people need to tell us that we can’t win the ideological war against fascists when we meet them on their turf? We don’t need to appeal to anyone who genuinely wants society to be more accommodating to people with privilege. We need to demonstrate that we are already building a world that lifts everyone up, not just the well connected and white. Transgender people are not the problem. Cis democrats running for office not condemning transphobia as loser behavior meant to distract people into letting rich people take their 401K is a very big problem. There is a future where brown people are not vilified for being brown. There’s a future where unions are strong. A future where men can be men, regardless of their gender assignment at birth. Our fatal mistake is not waking up to the fact that those futures are impossible unless they are one and the same.
*Depending on your outlook! No judgement here! Unless you posted a snake emoji about Elizabeth Warren and then I really need you to do some self reflection.