Chris Sheridan is very smart. I forget this because he’s so tall and it is fucking dumb to be tall. Also, he is a poop and fart joke guy. We rode down to Comic Con on the train together and he was like four hours early and had a hard copy of his ticket printed out and I barely had a confirmation number. I languished near the coffee bar while he frantically made phone calls to every assistant at every company on earth to make sure I could get on the train. I will miss this dynamic so much. I hope it’s not the end for us.
We were all about 80 percent sure the series would end with Season 4. The network kept up it’s signature tactic of nickel-and-diming us to death (you can absolutely tell we were working with less and less money). At one point they asked Chris if he could eliminate some of the series regulars to save money. If we had gotten a season 5, the studios and network would have to renegotiate everyone’s contract, meaning more money for everyone. Barring some sort of mass delusion where the higher ups are visited by the ghost of Jacob Marley, that’s not going to happen. There’s too many people in this fucking business trying to get Elon rich instead of normal rich. What is wrong with good old-fashioned normal rich? Remember when people had too much money and it was like why do you need TWO houses? Now it’s like: ‘Why do you need more than one all powerful world dominating company that controls all our basic needs???’ Whatever, I hate it, but anyway Chris wrote a final season we were all incredibly excited about. We all cried nearly every day at work, saying goodbye to this set and that crewmember. I’m still crying. Gary Farmer wrote an instagram story that made me burst into sobs: A picture of he and I and Sara at a con in Vancouver with the caption: “Not sure how to continue without my two stepdaughters.” NOPE! Nope. Absolutely the fuck not, Gary, you legend. What an insane thing to be able to be on a show with Gary Farmer. And at the same time, it feels like if the network found out about that little bit of joy, they would find a way to crush it if it saved them three dollars.
The hardest part was not getting to tell you guys about it in real time on the podcast, stream and newsletters. I had to be vague with you all which I do not like. I do not traffic in vaguery, I traffic in dramatically telling everyone about every single thing that happened to me especially when it is the culmination of seven years of work that is the reason most of you know I exist. It sucked!
Back to Comicon, where the network let us know an announcement would be made the day we arrived so that we could promote the show with everyone knowing what was going on, which made sense–on paper. Then we saw the announcement, which simply said we were cancelled. A strange wording, I thought, but at least everyone is on the same page. It was so good to be together. We had a cast and studio dinner at one of the least enjoyable restaurants I have ever been to, and I LOVE free food. Imagine if Chucky Cheese became a nightclub, and then one week after that decided it was actually a restaurant except they did not tell the kitchen. I have never seen my darling Alan Tudyk so chagrined as when a screaming server gleefully brought out literal fireworks to our table to light a photo we did not ask for. Excellent Alan Tudyk disconcerted face.
The next morning we went to our panel and it seemed like maybe one million people were there. That’s when it started to hit me. This was going to be really, really sad. The moderator made us do a final bow, which was not what I was dressed for (bonus question: what the fuck WAS I dressed for? A deposition in a swamp? Perhaps a board meeting that is also a foam party). Earlier I noticed people sending heart hands from the rows where I could see them. I had to look away so I didn’t cry through the whole panel.
Then we went to a series of on-camera interviews with various outlets that had little mini studios set up, and you can see those here and here and I think there may be more. Everyone knew about the cancellation announcement, except one guy who was shocked and had to throw out all his questions. Group interviews are where I am most scared of Alan, because my nature is to pull focus at all times and sometimes I think he is relieved to not have to answer every question but sometimes I worry he is annoyed with me and I cannot abide that feeling. You’d think I could simply change my behaviour and let the conversation float around naturally, but that would be because you are new here. I cannot.
We had lunch at The Pendry which is the nice hotel they put you at when you are not cancelled. I ordered a special ‘Comicon donut’ to self soothe, but they did not bring it with my salad, nor with my coffee after. Before we left for the rest of the programme, I asked for my donut. The handlers from the studio said it was coming with us. Okay.
The next interviews we did were with more on-camera outlets. It’s all a blur. We did get to visit with some make-a-wish fans which was really cool. There was a kid in a wheelchair who I would love to sit and watch bad reality shows with. There was a pair of teens, one of whom had cancer and had a fun bit where he kept blaming his friend. It doesn’t seem funny when I type it out this way but rest assured it was hilarious and charming. I thought “do they really only give out make-a-wish to extremely chill and fun kids? Where are the jerks?” I was very tired (actually it’s young fans of the Resident Alien are cool, life threatening diagnosis or no).
Then we went to take more pictures and I asked if I could have my donut. Someone said it was in the sprinter van, and did I want them to get it for me? That seemed insane so I said I could wait. After the next round of photos someone I had not met walked up to me and said that someone was running to the van to get the donut. I should mention that I didn’t really sleep the night before, we were out late and I had to get up before dawn for someone to come do my makeup (agreeing to this was a rookie move on my part). After more photos we met with Den of Geek where we were really getting punchy, that interview will be fun when they upload it. Then we went to another red carpet for roundtable interviews, one of which CreativeGuy posted already in the discord. By now, I wondered if there ever was a donut. And would there ever be a donut again.
Saying goodbye to a good thing is always hard. Especially when it is murdered by greed. I’m sure you’re all still processing the end of the show, because I know I am. As the sun was setting we were driven along the boardwalk in golf carts with people dressed as storm-troopers and Deadpool streaming by. I sat in the back with Alan and he tried in vain to shush me as I yelled “Look, it’s Alan! Look, it’s Hei-hei! Look!” to people who could easily catch up to us by walking more quickly. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me next, where I will work or who with. Was this the last time I’d see Judah’s mom pretend to be interested in a conversation Corey and Ryan from the network are shouting past her? When will I get to hug Meredith, a person who has carried me through some of the darkest life shit I have encountered in my nine years of sobriety? I don’t know if I will ever again get to watch home decorating shows with Levi, his girlfriend, and their dog Toaster who looks and acts like Adam Driver somehow. I love these people, and it’s up to me to keep them in my life now, and I am so scared I will let other things get in the way. But that’s the way it is. Some things are just out of our control, and all we can do is take the next seemingly right step, and let go of the results, like I let go of ever seeing that goddamn donut. As we arrived at the hotel lobby, we said our goodbyes-for-now, exhausted and making plans to sleep or leave town or skip the parties that we wrangled invites to. Chris was still down to hit Disney if we wanted, Alan wanted to swing by IGN, and I just wanted to rip van winkle into my late 70’s. But before I went up to my room, someone from the team ran up to me with a box. Inside was a blue-frosted donut with a superman candy emblem on top. I bit into it immediately and then took the rest up to my hotel room to devour, watching the sun go down on the marina as the boats docked for the night. I pulled out my phone and texted Chris “Lobby in 10.” and let the sugar rush give me the second wind I needed to go out and do it all over again.
