Ladies and Gents, and everyone in between, I am happy to announce that I will once again be appearing live, on stage, in a stand-up comedy show. It’s in Canada, and I don’t know how many of you live where but I could find out if I wanted to. Sorry to threaten you in the middle of the newsletter. I just…have stalkers. And now, so do you, but it’s me, and I want you to know I do not plan to escalate!
Since this newsletter is late* and I have to write a set for the show, I thought I’d go through some material I want to cover in the set tonight and work it out in front of you. It’s a behind the scenes look at my mental process for joke writing. As mentioned we are in Canada, and since the USA is being particularly cunty to Canada at the moment I will open the set by telling them that I am here to shit on America and directly pander to their nationalism. I know, cheap, but also timely and I haven’t been on stage in like 6 months so I would like to be coddled a little bit. I’m baby.
I have this very very short joke about how the phrase “These Colors Don’t Run” is about laundry, and it doesn’t really fit anywhere and has never had a real set up, so for tonight I will try a new way of framing it:
So one thing that is cool about the fall of America is that you get to stop pretending like patriotism isn’t super lame. Like, you guys are on some “Canada rocks!” vibe right now which is valid and I love that for you. But, patriotism in general is for dummies and it’s so, so dumb in the states. Like, American meatheads will always say ‘These colors don’t run.’ Have you heard that one? ‘These colors don’t run!’ You see, because the Red White and Blue is so tough. It won’t run from a fight. It’s a big manly phrase for big tough manly American man. But it’s a double entendre about fucking laundry. I’m sorry are we doing chore slogans? In America, we take out the trash. This is the USA. We know when to hold em, and when to fold em, and how to fold em, even if it’s a fitted sheet. How about that?
Good luck to me, hopefully more or less saying that verbatim in two hours. Then, on to something I will very likely never say again because I just thought of it:
Immigration is one of the reasons it all fell apart. And immigration is a real pickle in the US. The fascists hate the immigrants. It’s their main thing, that and not understanding how to contour their makeup or wear pants that fit. But the left isn’t that much better! You’ll get well-meaning liberals trying to defend immigrants saying: “We’re all immigrants.” And you’re like well. We’re not, though. Like bring me your huddled masses is all fine and good, right? The idea of an inclusive, free society where people can flee tyranny is rad. But not if you put that society where people already are living and you did not ask them if you could have some huddled masses over this weekend for a hangout. Like hey is it chill if I bring eight million starving Irish people who hate you here?
Also, inevitably, within one generation, that huddled mass is going to get entitled as fuck. Every generation of immigrants always hates all the other immigrants after them. It’s like when you adopt a cat you’re like wow I am a hero, I have saved this sweet being and it’s fine until you adopt a second cat. The old cat is like you are not a hero, I am now going to pee on everything you own.
So, that is all new stuff I have never said before. In general, I do not write out my bits like this and I never memorize. It works to write out and memorize if you’re developing material like a professional and have 30 shows and open mics to try the wording out, but I am only one half of booked and busy at all times and it’s not the booked part. So generally I try to just say them out loud to myself in the car at the very most. When I get onstage, I instantly have to assess the best way to communicate in that environment and to that audience the gist of my premise. It’s very fun and very scary and I love it. Since the immigration stuff is all new, I don’t want to cram anything else new into this set, but I simply MUST address the Elonphant in the room (I won’t say that that was just for you). My Elon jokes are good and fine and do well, but I’ve talked about this two posts ago, I don’t want anyone in my audience ever to think that I think being hot is empirically important. Here’s the joke as written before I get ahead of myself:
Just because someone drives a Tesla doesn’t mean they are bad people.
My thing about Elon is that if you’re going to be richer than god, and you’re going to be going on my tv, the least you can do is [pause for emphasis] be hot.
Like do you know how much money I spend on creams to do this job? And he’s going on snl looking like mr. potato head without his parts?
Heh. That potato head thing is pretty strong, and I physically may be unable to change it since I have said that line so many times and it was hard to get it all enunciated and perfect, but I’m not that tied to it. The most important thing is that I continue to drag him here and imply that he should have plastic surgery. And that has always bothered me. Making fun of someone’s appearance is easy and if they suck a lot, like Elon Musk, incredibly cathartic. Because looks are something someone can’t control, so if you make fun of someone for it, it’s the ultimate burn. In this bit, though, I am implying that he can control it, and he chooses not to, which I do think is better. But also, I don’t like doing the easy thing (lololololol ok sure jan) and if I can make a truer-to-me statement, that will make the funny more forthcoming. So what I used to say after that was:
Remember when he got that one haircut with the sides shaved? [Elon voice] “I am going to get this risky haircut!” You don’t have the bone structure for it. Do you even have bones? Buy some.
Tonight I am going to try:
Now, I’m not saying everyone should try to look hot or uggos are bad people. I don’t think that as evinced by my dating history. But it’s the double standard. Right? You will never see a woman on the forbes 500 or 50 list, I’m too poor to know what the number is, who’s like [get into crotchety crone stance] The shares are selling at 500 to 4! Sell! Again, too poor to know what a rich person would say. All I know is that Oprah is not allowed to have bread and Beyoncé’s husband gets to continue to age and she doesn’t.
The Beyoncé line is new and I fear I have truly fucked myself with all this new stuff. But I just looked up the venue and chat: I can walk there. Get ready, residential Vancouver street, you are going to be privy to me speaking all of this aloud on my walk over.
Mar 9, 2025 4:00 PM
UPDATE:
I did the show, and it all worked! Sorta! Information I should note: the set up for the laundry thing is a little weak. Basically “patriotism is dumb” is a bit obvious and broad for my tastes. *napkins off grey poupon from edges of mouth* But Beyoncé bit absolutely crushed. The time has come to talk about how much hotter Bey is than Jay and the people are willing to listen. The pandering pathetically to the Canadian people (who are rightly disgusted with America and have every right to throw sad winter tomatoes at me) also worked. One thing that might be good for the world if we survive this, and that’s a big if: America is no longer the shining beacon on the hill or whatever the fuck we say we are. We haven’t been that to the rest of the normal citizens of the world for a long time, but god help us, we don’t need to say that to ourselves anymore. I’m pretty hard on the online left for being incredibly obtuse and moralistic about politics, but I’ve come around on the anti-patriotism thing of late. We don’t need to look at the death and devastation our country excuses and abets daily and say “This is not who we are.” It really, really is babe. I’m not saying we don’t have our better angels, and there’s not good things the oldest liberal democracy has to offer on a global scale, but sadly, the Liberty and Justice For All thing is not what sets us apart from all the other wifi countries. What sets us apart is how illiterate and violent we are. Our rugged individualism has gotten us precious little in the last 50 years or so and it’s time that we move on from the idea that America is the land of the free. We really need to confront ourselves like Dave on Love is Blind when he was in the pods. Maybe this horrific undoing of our global alliances brought about by a reality show president could be just…the medicine we need? Could we possibly put at the very least, the democratic portion of the government and body politic in a pod, Love-is-Blind style, and ask them finally to choose between the dying dream of a Grand Society and the realistic partnership with a flawed, broken system in need of deep and drastic reform?
I am good at stand up comedy and I should probably continue doing it. I love doing it, I love talking about it and also watching it. Every so often I float away on a cloud of other life and work responsibilities that make me forget how fun it is to do my favorite thing. I was reminded earlier this week that the end goal of creative pursuit in this word is not to accomplish fame, or gather accolades. It’s simply the best way for us to commune with the creative spirit of the universe, a higher power that you might call god or not. It’s a gift and a privilege to be able to even think creatively let alone act out our imaginations, and the fact that I have been able to make a living at it for this long is basically insane. Doing stand up has always been for me, the purest thing. When I am at my best, I live in incredulity that anyone ever shows up to allow strangers to be funny at them. That I get mired in the jealousy of others getting to do this more than me and in ways that I don’t get to is fucking bonkers gross. It feels like a perversion in some ways. It’s also understandable what with the insta and the tiktoks, so I’m not going to shame spiral about having the feelings that social media is literally designed to give me, nor should you. But good to keep in mind, I guess.
Here is a special private link to the full set!
*This newseltter can not actually be late. It’s weekly, and what does that even mean? Once a week? It’s always A week.